Fujisan's Pirate Day
by Shibbeh
Summary: Random crap from History class and the such. The Sohmas get lost on the way to the park obviously Haru's doing. Random stupidity. Mr. B's 1st Semester History '05 '06.
1. The Game of the Ass of the Ding Ding

Like any other good story, this story begins with a cow. And some pirates.

Well, they're not pirates in the beginning, but then they TURN into pirates. Sort of like a transformation—no, not like in Sailor Moon.

If you would just avert your eyes to this picture of Tokyo. (Shibbeh pulls out a picture of Tokyo, Japan) This is where the Sohma's live. Isn't it a nice little city? Well, you'd THINK that, wouldn't you?

That's because you're stupid. Very, very stupid.

The Sohma's, being very chic and well… they're… they're.. odd. Anyway—they decide to go somewhere.

I'm not making any sense. So I'll just let them explain their adventures.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I don't own their asses. I own other people, though.**

And just so everyone knows, I'm divorcing San-chan right now, just for the heck of it.

* * *

It was a lovely morning in their little house—with it's paper-walls and leaky ceilings. The Sohma residence didn't care much for all these little details—they were going on an ADVENTURE.

Well, actually, they were just going to the park.. but Shigure just got ahead of himself.

"Shigure, you lard! We don't need all this crap!" yelled Kyo Sohma from behind a mini-refrigerator.

"Sure we do, Kyo-kun!" squealed Shigure, from inside of their shiny black car. "We're going to the PARK, remember?"

"The PARK—PARK!" Kyo turned to Hatori. " THE EFFIN PARK! WE'RE GOING TO THE **_PARK_**! WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE EXCITING!"

Hatori stared at Kyo. "I know." Was all he could manage before getting attacked by a squealing Ayame.

"HATORI, MY LOVE!" squealed Ayame, throwing his fragile-self onto the doctor. "HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!"

"Hi, Ayame. Can you get your hands off my buttocks?"

"Oh, silly, silly, Hatori. Don't you remember? This was our favourite past time back in school! 'Touch Hatori's Ass'! "

Everyone had gone silent. Kyo, who had hidden himself behind the refrigerator, was staring at Yuki who looked like he was about to cry.

---Five Minutes Later---

Silence.

Shigure's voice was heard from inside the car. "Is it true, Hatori?"

"Ye-es.. I'M SORRY, SHIGURE!" Hatori had burst into tears.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER LET ME PLAY?"

"Ayame wanted me all to himself!"

"WHY? WHY DIDN'T I EVER BELONG?" Shigure started hiccupping and hid himself behind his latest novel. "Why couldn't **I** grope Hatori's anus!"

Ayame looked at Shigure. "But—MON CHERI! JE T'AIME!"

"Realllyyyyy?" Shigure gave Ayame the puppy eyes.

"Yesh! Really! We shall play 'Touch Hatori's Ass' when we get to the park, right Hatori?"

Everyone stared at Hatori, who looked like he was in some sort of shock.

"..Yes."

"YAY!"

"LET US TOUCH ASS LIKE WE HAVE NEVER BEFORE!"

Silence.

Haru, who had hidden himself under the car popped up unexpectedly.

"Here, I'll drive, Hatori."

"You don't even know how to drive."

"I'm sure my driving will be better than you driving and being molested on the road."

Hatori sighed and gave Haru the keys. Kyo and Yuki loaded the mini-refrigerator into the trunk and Yuki went inside to alert the girls that they were going to be late if they didn't hurry their petite-asses ((A/N: That's right, you heard me. Petite-asses.))

When everyone had gotten into the car, Haru started up the engine and began the would-be-super-awesome journey.

—An hour later—

Kisa looked out the window quietly. The countryside? 'This isn't how we get to the park!' She leaned over and whispered into Tohru's ear.

"OO GOMEN NASAI, HARU-KUN!" squealed Tohru as Haru drove right through a red light. "It seems as though we are going the wrong way!"

Haru looked at her. "Aren't we going to the airport?"

"THE PARK!" yelled Kyo. THE FREAKING PARK! YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL FREAKING INSANE!"

Silence.

Ayame looked at Shigure. The both began to giggle.

"GODDAMN!" yelled Kyo. "LET ME OUT! I WANT HOME!"

"I WANT CHEESE!"

"I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM!"

"Okay, we'll stop for five minutes. Kyo, we'll drop you off at some freaky ghost town, Kisa, you can go take a piss in the bushes. Shigure and Ayame…" Haru paused. "We'll find you a quiet place to fool around in"

"YAY! QUIET PLACE!"

"I LOVE YOU, AYAME!"

"I LOVE YOU TOO, HATORI!"

"That was me—Shigure."

"Oh. Right."

"You two—stop staring like that at me."

"I really have to go—"

Silence.

"I don't have to go anymore."


	2. Sexy Spleen, Sex Machine

XD Randy Dany River Bendy with Paul Two Feet Short on Top.

Wheee...

I am so perverted. ..

I also have writer's block.

BITE MEH! xP

I don't own them. Yeah.

HARUUUU, I WANT YOUR BOODYY! -squeal-

* * *

" I'M A SEX MACHINE! VROOM VROOM!" Sang Shigure, off-note.

"I CAN MAKE YOU SCREAM, VROOM VROOM!" Ayame joined him, waving his arms around.

"WE HAVE MEATY SPLEENS—OWWW!" Sang the both of them, laughing and joking around.

Kyo's eyebrow twitched in the background. "You promised we were going to the park, Shigure!" He yelled. "Damn you and your bullshit lies!"

Shigure turned around to get a better view of the redheaded boy. "Aww, calm down, Kyon-Kyon! Sing the Sexy Spleen song with us!" And with that, both Shigure broke into dance and a gallery of arm-gestures that would be deemed as inappropriate for children.

"I MAKE YO' MAMA SCREAM,

WITH MY SEXY SPLEEN.

BITCH, WHAT'S MY NAME?

DON'T PLAY THAT GAME,

I KNOW YOU WANT MY SEXY SPLEENNN!"

Shigure then began to play his oh s famous air guitar while Ayame shook his booty.

Hatori, who was trying his best to ignore the two finally caved in and snapped. "Shut the hell up, the both of you!"

Silence.

Kisa's voice was suddenly heard.

"I have to go again—

"NO! NO PISSING UNTIL WE GET TO THE AIRPORT!"

"Meep!" Kisa hid behind Tohru who looked at Hatori sadly.

"NOT THE AIRPORT, THE PARK!" Kyo spazzed.

"EVERYONE! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Silence.

"Good ol' black Haru" muttered Yuki in the background. He was getting a headache from all the yelling.

Haru winked at Yuki in the mirror and Yuki blushed and looked away quickly.

"Ohhhh!" Squealed Ayame. " Haru and Yuki, sittin' in a treee…"

"F-U-C-K-I-N-G!" Sang Shigure.

Yuki glared at Shigure. " YOU HAVE NO PROOF THAT WE'VE BEEN FUCKING SECRETLY IN THE TREE BY YOUR WINDOW!"

Haru grinned. "You know you like it, Yuki. Although, I know for a fact that Kyo is better in bed."

Kyo bushed. 'Feh."

Silence.

Ayame stared at his younger brother happily. "You're following in my footsteps!" He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye and turned to Shigure. "Let's make out!"

"Ooohhhkaii!"


	3. Baha Men Is the Devil

Nyuurrr.. Insert llama noises here.  
It's been waaayy too long, babes.  
Well, here is Chap 3.

The Sohma's and Torhu Copyrighted to Natuski Takaya.  
Yuuto Urushiyama ((That's a mouthful)) is Copyrighted to Kasane Katsumoto

Enjoy!

* * *

"I keep on telling you Aaya," Shire stated, his voice coated with aggravation. "She keeps on telling me that I'm like Sirius Black off of Harry Potter, and Yuuto off of Hands On!"---

"Off!"

"Right, whatever." Shigure waved his hand absentmindedly. "But if she owns me, and her friend owns Sirius and we're the same person, then who truly owns me and or him? And I mean there's Yuuto too! Yuuto is me and I'm Yuuto and Sirius and Sirius is Yuuto and me. It doesn't make sense."

"Totally not making sense to me," muttered Yuki from the backseat. The seating plan had changed a few times over the course of three hours. First, it was Kisa, Tohru, Kyo, Hatori and Yuki, with Haru behind the wheel. Half an hour later, after everyone had gotten tired of his constant whining and screeching about the damn park, Haru had pulled over and tied Kyo to the roof of the car.

It was quite cramped back there, even with Kyo tied out on the car's roof. You could hear him yelling once in a while, his bad-ass demeanor crushed in the first five minutes of what seemed be torture. Conversations would be interrupted half-way to the sound of a hissing noise, followed by loud meowing and Haru purring under his breath. Something about 'his kinky little kitty.' Weird.

"How much longer until we get to our destination, Haru?" Yuki asked, brushing away a piece of Hatori's hair that was stuck to his bottom lip. Being this close to his older cousin was getting tiresome and Yuki's legs were beginning to hurt from being cramped in one position for so long.

"Not long." Replied Haru, scratching the back of his head coolly. "I should re-tie Kyo to the roof; he's been making weird noises for a while now.

Cue for the Cat's hissing.

"MY PANTS ARE FALLING OFF! OH GOD, THE BREEZE! THE UNHEALTHY BREEZE! GET IT AWAY FROM MY CROTCH---NOOO! FRESH AIR IS BAD!"

Silence.

Kyo began whimpering. "I don't wannnnaa looseee my viirgiinniittyy to the trreesss…"

Silence. Shigure and Ayame began snickering. Tohru just looked shocked. She was blushing. Oh, the dirty thoughts. Hatori was being sexy. So sexy. Can you imagine how sexy he was being? Try imagining it. Do it now.

"Annnddd... this is my cue." Haru stepped onto the brakes and the car came to a screeching halt a few inches away from an elderly oak tree.

"EVERYBODEH OUT!" He yelled, kicking open the Driver's door. The rest of the gang was just too shocked to move.

"Driving. So. Bad. Rather be devirginified by the trees…" muttered Kyo... wriggling his fingers, attempting to pull his loose pants back up.

So, okay. Just imagine Haru helping Kyo put his pants… Back... On.

Erm.

During this time, Shigure and Ayame had disappeared, along with Hatori's pants. How they pulled them off of him without him noticing, no one knows. Thus, they are known as the Pant Ninjas amongst their friends. Which is just the two of them.

Tohru and Kisa, who had come back from a bowel-emptying break just as this was happening, got a first-hand glimpse at Hatori's b0x0rz dat r4wk j00r w0rld.

"Oh. Mah. GAWD!" Squealed a red-faced Tohru, covering Kisa's eyes quickly. "AVERT YOUR ATTENTION, KISA! THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS! HAPPEEEHH THOUGHTS!" And with that, a hyperventilating Tohru Honda dragged a confused and mildly disturbed Kisa Sohma back into the bushes.

Hatori just stared after them.

And stared.

Insert some more staring here.

Shigure and Ayame, who had found some pantyhose and had put them on as masks watched the excitement with interest.

"Oh, Shii-chan, is this not so much fun!"

"Aaya… I have a confession to make." The dog paused and pulled off his panty-hose mask slowly.

Ayame just stared at his partner-in-crime with a confused look on his face before he cracked a smile. "What is it, dawg?"

Shigure stared.

Ayame stared back in confusion. "Waddup, brotha from anotha motha? Whaz inda hizzhouze!" And with that, Ayame began to wave his arms around wildly. "WESSS SIDEEE! REPRESENTIN'!"

Shigure stares some more before he realized what was going on. With a high-pitched 'bark', he jumped down from the tree-branch they had set as their makeshift hide-out and ran towards Hatori, Ayame in hot pursuit.

"HHATTORIII! HHATTOORRIII!" Shigure bumped into the Dragon, who had tied a towel around his waist so that Tohru wouldn't pass out from t3h silky g00dn3ss of t3h b0x0rz. ((Okay, I'm done typing like that now.))

"What!" He exclaimed in an irritated voice, poking the mentally-disturbed Tohru, who just twitched in reply. He had fetched her from the woods, in fear that she and Kisa would be eaten by rabid cockroaches. They are the Devil.

'Haa-san! Ayame got into…," He paused and gave Tohru with a suspicious look before covering her ears. "…he got into _the CD closet_." Hatori just stared back in awe.

"Say whut?"

"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE INFECTED TOO!" Shigure started whining and threw his fists in the air. "BAHA MEN, WHY MUST YOU DECEIVE ME? WAII?"

Ayame, who had just caught on to what was going on looked at his friend with wide-eyes. "You are a whheerddd motha."

"Word." Hatori nodded in agreement.

"STAND BACK, YEE FOULD SCUM!" Yelled Shigure, waving Hatori's pants above his head. "STAND BACK OR I'LL PEE ON THE DESIGNER PANTS!"

Yuki, who had been taking a nap on the branches of the nearest tree jumped down with elegance. "What the hell are you doing with Hatori's pants, Shigure?" he asked, yawning into his hand. "Give him his pants back."

Shigure's doggy ears drooped as he handed the Dragon's pants back to the owner. "Kai."

"W00t!" Hatori put his pants back on and did a little dance with Ayame while Yuki and Shigure watched them in bafflement. Haru, who had finally re-tied Kyo to the roof of the car climbed down and joined the baffled Rat and Dog.

"Umm… Tohruchan.." murmured Kisa, tugging at the hem of the older girl's shirt. "They're scaring me."

Tohru, who had regained composure just nodded, her eyes still on the dancing duo. "They're men, Kisa. Don't try to understand them." And with that, she pushed the little girl into the car and turned to the boys.

"Ohh, BOOYYSSS!" She giggled happily, waving a handkerchief she had found in her pocket. "I want to get back on the road... but.." she fluttered her eyelashes and pouted. "no one seems to want to get back into the car and sit with me… All alone…" She paused for dramatic effect. "Oh, the things we could do…"

The boys all stared at her. Tohru Honda? Attempting to be sexy? WTFOMGLOLBBQ.

"I'm coming, my darling Tohru!" sang Shigure, opening the back door. "Shall we get going?" He gave her a sly look and she returned it with double the sessyness.

"There is no God…" Haru muttered to Hatori who just nodded and pulled out a smoke from his shirt pocket.

"Might as well get back on the road. Who knows what Shigure can teach her in the backseat while we're out here." He shuddered at the mental images.

So, everyone got into the car, except for Kyo, who was WAAYY too tired from. Erm.

Tanning.

Sorry… I'm really bad at this lying thing.

"Rule Number One:" whispered Tohru into Kisa's ear. "Give men a taste of what they want, and you can be sure that they'll give you what you need to the fullest." She winked at Shigure who had been watching her the whole time.

There is no God, indeed.


End file.
